Do you ever feel like you just talk and talk and no one listens, remembers, or even takes you seriously?  Tired of repeating yourself? Tired of feeling like you’re shouting across an empty canyon?

A few things could be happening. Maybe your friends or family are crummy listeners (it happens).  Maybe your communication timing and technique need fine-tuning (that happens, too).  Since you can only control yourself, here are some tips for communicating more effectively.

Make sure the other person is paying attention. If they are looking at TV or the computer and grunt when you address them, we can assume they are not listening. If that’s the case, say gently that you can see they are not able to listen right now; what would be a better time? They may put you off, they may act annoyed, but at least you’re being clear that you have something to communicate and you want their attention.

Keep it short.  The more you talk, the more likely kids and even grownups are to tune out or just be waiting for their turn to jump in.  Get right to the point without sidetracking.

Close with a question. “Will that work for you?”  for example, if you’ve just laid out your strategy for moving four kids to five activities in two cars. This   doesn’t exactly force involvement but it helps.

Follow up on their answer to the question. This helps reinforce the communication, and helps assure you got it right. Summarize and clarify. Repeat as necessary!

If the pattern persists, look at other factors: have your kids inadvertently been permitted to be rude by “tuning out” during family rides, outings and meals?  Have you accidentally trained your family to see your requests to “talk” as a prelude to a lecture?  Is your tone of voice so soft and questioning that others might think you don’t even take yourself seriously?  These are all common mistakes.  A good friend could help you figure out if any of these apply to you.  If the kids have been allowed to be rude, that merits a brief discussion of its own when nothing else is happening. Just let them know, “I owe you an apology. I’ve allowed you to believe it’s OK to be rude during dinner/etc., and I’m going to help you overcome that bad habit starting today.”  They may not be happy to hear it, but you'll be doing them a favor in the long run!

- Dr. Lori Puterbaugh, LMHC, LMFT